How Do I Fix This?

As many of you know, I am very open in my blogs, in particularly my http://www.aleris.blogspot.com/ blog. This topic is posted on both our India journey blog and my personal blog just mentioned. If you are a continued reader then you know that I write as an open book. I have been loved, hated, and all there is in between for my topics. Again, this will be my life opened up for you to join me in a journey.

You’re sleeping next to your pregnant wife and she gets up to go to use the bathroom, which is nothing new for a pregnant woman. The more pregnant they seem to get the smaller their bladders seem to become. You think nothing of it and rollover and try to go back to sleep, but as you are trying to fall back asleep you hear a whimper in the bathroom. Your mind immediately rewinds to the morning when you received a phone call.

Your wife told you there was some spot bleeding, but there was no pain. As you are talking to her you are quickly looking up on medical websites to see what this could be and if it is normal. Everything you read said that if there was no pain then there was nothing to worry about in regards to the baby. You both are satisfied, as there was no pain, and she was scheduled to see the doctor the very next morning for a scan.

Your mind then remembers that getting adjusted to India food has caused some stomach problems for all of us, and being pregnant may enhance this condition, especially with spicy food. All this is rushing through your head a little after midnight, and then the whimper turns into a cry.

Immediately you ask what is wrong and your wife is crying and bent over in pain saying she is bleeding and screaming and crying “My baby, My baby!” What do you do, you think? Rushing to her side you try to calm her any way possible, rubbing her back and head. She is bent over in pain that she describes is like labor. “My babies, My babies” she cries again, now worried that there could also be something wrong with her. What is happening? How do I fix this? You can’t, you are helpless, except for the favor of God, but He seems silent as well. Then you as you are rubbing her back, you look down and see blood. Your wife notices that you have stopped rubbing her back and asks, “What?” You play it down, because you do not want her to worry, but there is a lot of blood. “Nothing, honey, just a little blood.” But you can tell that is not true.

You run to the phone and call a friend, because you do not have a car to use, and would not even be sure if you could get her to the hospital yourself. You are in India, and you have two little girls who you do not want to wake up, as you do not want them to see their mother in so much pain. Your friend rushes over and you are hoping he brings his daughter to stay with the girls. . . . My girls, you think of the baby again and almost lose it, but you have to stay strong for your wife and children. If she sees you panicking then she may panic more, stay calm.

There is nobody with your friend, and you do not want to wake the girls, as you do not wan them to see their mother like this. Your friend promises to take special care and you trust him, so you have no choice but to let them go. As she drives away, it feels like your throat is going to just rip out of your neck. There is no longer any strength left to hold back the tears and you rush upstairs. As anyone knows the person you call first is your mother, as moms seem to be the ones we want when we hurt. Calling her, you cry over the phone forever and she helps you calm down for the children and for your wife.

As you talk you become angry, saddened, and horrified all at once. You want to vent, but who do you vent on? Then your mind fills again with all these events that may have stressed her that would end with the death of your baby. Working through the events of the past few weeks, you start to blame and become irate with situations and think about taking all your anger out in retaliation. The Holy Spirit intervenes and reminds you that you are a child of Christ and that would not be the appropriate response, and of course confirms it through your mother.

No what? Just sit and wait!! This sucks, I want to fix this. God, please take the pain away, give it to me, but be with my wife and baby. Save our baby Lord, but anything that happens, I will never deny or leave You. During this time, you know you will need His grace more then ever. You just taught on faith and tests. How will I respond during this time? There is no doubt, as you know from the bottom of your heart and soul that Christ is Lord and even if He takes our baby home, you know you are His and all we can do is ask.

That is what I can do!! You call family members and ask your mother to call others to request prayer. Jumping on your computer, you start emailing everyone. Please pray for my wife and our baby. In between emails you are receiving updates via your friend and talking to your wife. She is checked in and they are going to help her sleep and nothing can be done till morning. Morning, wake someone up now and fix this. Unfortunately, you are not in control, so there is no choice. It is past 3am and you decide to try to get a couple of hours of sleep so you are able to get the girls up and functioning.

After two hours of sleep, because you spent the first two praying, your eldest daughter comes into your room and wakes you looking for her mother. She walks out and you hear her little footsteps going from room to room and then you realize what she is doing. She is looking for her mother. What am I going to say? As she walks up to you she asks, “Where’s Mommy?” You just hug her, as you almost lose it, but you swallow hard and you tell her mommy had to go to the doctors. She asks if it is for the baby. Again, you swallow hard and take a couple of deep breaths, and then redirect. Thankfully, she dropped it.

Amazingly, both children are great. Your friends agree to watch the children and take you to the hospital to be with your wife. There are no phones in the hospital rooms, so you have not heard anything. Feeling like you are walking in a haze you go through the motions so you can get to the hospital. Just get me there. Asking questions about other subjects and topics to your friend in the van to think about anything else, but it is just vain. All you can think about is your wife and baby.

Finally, you are at the hospital. Rushing to the enquiry desk you find where she is and you race, or speed walk, to the labor unit. As you walk through the first door to the reception area with your friend, you see your wife and she looks at you and you know. “The baby is gone. We lost the baby.” Then . . . . Tears flow!

You cry together and start to process and talk. We talked about how we both prayed and were comforted by the hand of God, and we know that even in this tragedy God will use it, though at this moment we are not sure how.

When we thought the trauma was over, it only was the beginning. Your wife has to go to the bathroom, so you wait, and then you wait, and wait. What is going on? She comes out of the door and almost collapses. She delivers the baby, dead. She goes into basic shock. “I saw his fingers, his head, legs, everything.” This is a baby!! You always knew, then you see and it is just amazing and devastating at the same time. Our baby is gone!!